Markasaurus was economically stimulated by George W. Bush this afternoon

So you finally got your economic stimulus check. I received mine this afternoon. Thanks to a very high social security number, I was one of the last people in the US to get “paid.” I’ve been looking forward to it for months, mostly so I could write this post. This was even more exciting than the last time our illustrious president attempted to bribe the American public, way back in 2001:

So now that you have your payment, what are you going to do with it? If you aren’t going to either buy groceries, gas or pay off (some) of you debt, what would be a good way to spend it? I’ve come up with a few ways you could spend it and not give in to the idea that handing out $600 checks will significantly revive our economy:

• Ride your bike or walk to Canada or Mexico or spend it on booze and strippers. Make sure to cash your check before leaving home. If you drive, you’ll get stuck paying for gas and tolls.
• Cash the check and buy something used on Craigslist. Make sure you don’t pay taxes.
• Frame the check as a keepsake. This (obviously) is not as fun as the first two.

What’s the best thing you could really do with your check? Invest it. In ten years you’ll have $1,420 if you get a 9% rate of return in the stock market. Or you’ll have over $3,300 if you keep it in the market for 20 years. Better yet, take it Reno and you can double your money in five minutes.

Handwriting Analysis, near the corner of 9th and Lincoln. 

I spotted this sign on Lincoln Blvd. today on the way in to Golden Gate Park. A handwriting analysis office? I’m intrigued. Even more intriguing: they aren’t on yelp.com yet. If you have had your handwriting analyzed at DaHil’s, now’s your chance to be the “first to review.”

On a side note, did anyone else catch “Desperate Housewives” tonight? I was drinking a 16 oz. can of Bud Light on the couch with the cat and couldn’t help but be fascinated by the insane number of plot twists the writers managed to pack into one episode. Phew. I need to go to bed.

Rite Aid Beverly Hills, at night.

Yes, that’s right (or should I say “Rite”). Not only is there a Rite Aid in Beverly Hills, they actually call it “Rite Aid Beverly Hills” with “Beverly Hills” written in script on the sign as if it were a Bentley dealer or Cartier. Upon going into the store, it was mostly good old Rite Aid- sunscreen, medicine and snack food as far as the eye can see. There was an ice cream parlor inside too, but I have seen those in other Rite Aid locations. It’s not like they were selling caviar and pate flavored soft serve or anything either, it was just regular ice cream.

This picture depicts a display window on the back of a trashy lingerie shop on La Cienega Blvd. in West Hollywood. What was I doing at a trashy lingerie shop? I was on my way to the organic vegan restaurant next door, of course. Note that one of the mannequins in this photo is disintegrating. I don’t have any theories on that, or at least any theories I could reveal in a family-oriented blog like this.That’s the best part about LA- you’ll find insane juxtapositions of high and low culture, good taste and bad, or hippie food and pervert mannequin fetish all on the same block (oh, wait, this is starting to sound like my Master’s Thesis).

As long as we’re on the subject of weird juxtapositions in Los Angeles, don’t white plaster statues of men with American flags make you want to run out and buy a suit?

Kleenex for Men, the manliest product ever

So you need to blow your nose but you wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those “sissy” pink tissues that your sister and your girlfriend use. If you live in the United Kingdom, you are in luck. Kleenex makes “Kleenex for Men” just for you. I managed to find a fantastic review of this product titled Snot, Sweat and Sperm. Written by a man “found that they are best at absorbing three of my body fluids which I produce and discharge in large quantities on a regular basis,” this review clearly states the need for this product. Unfortunately, these are not available in the United States (as far as I can tell) so over here you’ll have to be satisfied with Kleenex Extra Large or maybe Kleenex Menthol. We don’t even get the same catchy tag line they have for Kleenex over in the UK: Blow it loud and blow it proud!

The closest marketing parallel I can think of in the United States is the recent push to market Coke Zero to men. Since men don’t want to feel emasculated by ordering a “diet” soft drink, Coke Zero calls itself “calorie free.” Those clever folks at Coke walk a fine semantic line, but it appears to be working- White Castle is rumored to be switching its soda fountains from Diet Coke to Coke Zero.

My hosting company screwed up and at least one post got deleted, so I am going to repost this classy photo of the first apartment I lived in when I was in Brooklyn:

I lived in Bedford-Styvesant across the street from the Lafayette Gardens housing project, better known as “The LG”. Lil’ Kim’s ex-boyfriend as since been indicted for running a gang out of The LG that processed cocaine in several apartments that they took over in the complex. They also (allegedly) killed a number of people, including one guy in the lobby of the housing project.

In other news, I was at 24 Hour Fitness today and there was a slightly stout middle-aged man with a beard singing along with James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” at a moderate volume while he was working out. It was appalling enough that the gym was playing that song in the first place, but to sing along in pubic is just incredible. I finished working out after that and walked into the locker room to see a man totally naked and damp (presumably from the shower) standing in front of the television watching jeopardy, clearly in no hurry to get dressed.

National Geographic is reporting that one of the world’s rarest animals, Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna, (scientists have never found one alive) is said to be “very greasy and extremely tasty.” Hunters on the island of New Guinea have seen them on rare occasions, as recently as 2005 according to Wikipedia. The echidna is spiny and lays eggs, and as you may have guessed is related to the platypus. It is also worth noting that this animal is named in honor of David Attenborough, the voice of British nature documentaries for over 50 years. He is 81 and is still working. I’m sure he’ll be relieved to know his long-beaked echidna isn’t extinct.

If you want to see an amazing photo of a echidna, check out this post on environmentalgraffiti.com. The one shown here from National Geographic doesn’t do it justice.

While the debate still rages over yesterday’s question, Meerkats: hot or not, David Lazarus at sfgate.com is reporting on the newest Chinese product safety concern. No, it’s not pet food this time… it’s an all-terrain vehicle called the Meerkat 50 and it’s made by a company called Kazuma. According to Lazarus, the Meerkat 50 lacks front brakes, can be started while in gear, and lacks a parking brake. While I was initially fascinated due to the name “Meerkat” and the huge coincidence at hand, I became more interested when I started thinking about what type of parent goes out and looks for cheapest possible Chinese-made ATV to buy for his or her child.

On one hand, I question the logic of purchasing an ATV for a small child in the first place… but if you are going to do it, at least get a decent one. It’s not like saving money by purchasing a $30 off-brand DVD player at Wal-Mart, you are buying a motor vehicle for a child. One look at Kazuma’s web page would be enough to steer me clear of anything they produce.

The real kicker in this story is that even though this is clearly a product that should be banned from being imported, the Bush administration has left a vacancy on the Consumer Products Safety Commission. Unless they have a full board, they are unable to force recalls. Hopefully, people will use common sense and steer clear of this product. Right…

Andy and I were especially manly all day. Unfortunately for Andy, this involved eating a big piece of meat. I somehow ended up in charge of the grill for a while despite being vegetarian.

Ah, the 4th of July. Nothing like the hot sun (a rarity in San Francisco) and the cold taste of shitty American beer served in a can. Budweiser made the day even more special this year by cross-branding their beer with NASCAR, covering each tasty beer with the image of car #8 (Dale Earnhardt Jr.). Luckily, Andy and I started off the day with some huge cans of Labatt Blue. While many people in California are not familiar with this beer, I’m from Buffalo and people there drink it like water, which explains why it comes in such a large can. As you can see, I really enjoyed myself:

I mentioned drinking Labatt’s to my friend Chris, who directed me to a website for people who want to buy Canadian food.  Unfortunately, they can’t ship beer but they will ship Tim Horton’s Coffee.

Oh, and if you are interested in Dale Earnhardt Jr. products, I recommend the “Future Star Girls Pink Watch” shown here.