Markasaurus was economically stimulated by George W. Bush this afternoon

So you finally got your economic stimulus check. I received mine this afternoon. Thanks to a very high social security number, I was one of the last people in the US to get “paid.” I’ve been looking forward to it for months, mostly so I could write this post. This was even more exciting than the last time our illustrious president attempted to bribe the American public, way back in 2001:

So now that you have your payment, what are you going to do with it? If you aren’t going to either buy groceries, gas or pay off (some) of you debt, what would be a good way to spend it? I’ve come up with a few ways you could spend it and not give in to the idea that handing out $600 checks will significantly revive our economy:

• Ride your bike or walk to Canada or Mexico or spend it on booze and strippers. Make sure to cash your check before leaving home. If you drive, you’ll get stuck paying for gas and tolls.
• Cash the check and buy something used on Craigslist. Make sure you don’t pay taxes.
• Frame the check as a keepsake. This (obviously) is not as fun as the first two.

What’s the best thing you could really do with your check? Invest it. In ten years you’ll have $1,420 if you get a 9% rate of return in the stock market. Or you’ll have over $3,300 if you keep it in the market for 20 years. Better yet, take it Reno and you can double your money in five minutes.

Screenshot from my Google homepage.

Here is the latest! Don’t put your dog and baby in the car trunk!!!

…EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 8 PM PDT THIS EVENING…

THIS EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IS BEING ISSUED UTILIZING THE NEW HEAT HEALTH WARNING SYSTEM. IT IS SPECIFIC TO THE AREAS INCLUDED IN THIS HEAT WARNING. IT IS TARGETED AT THE ELDERLY OR INFIRMED…WHO MIGHT BE MUCH MORE SENSITIVE TO HEAT AND THUS AT GREATER RISK. INDIVIDUALS WHO FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY SHOULD BE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL BY DRINKING PLENTY OF WATER AND SEEKING A COOLER LOCATION FOR THE DAY IF NO AIR CONDITIONING IS AVAILABLE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT FRIENDS OR RELATIVES CHECK FREQUENTLY ON THOSE WHO MIGHT BE PRONE TO HEAT SENSITIVITY.

ALSO…NEVER LEAVE CHILDREN…ELDERLY OR PETS UNATTENDED IN ENCLOSED VEHICLES…EVEN FOR A SHORT TIME. TEMPERATURES QUICKLY RISE TO LIFE- THREATENING LEVELS EVEN WHEN THE WINDOWS ARE PARTIALLY OPENED.

Okay, I admit I’m posting this a bit late. I have been really busy and we actually had some hot weather for the first time in about a year last weekend, so I haven’t been blogging. Last week, Caltrans (the California department of transportation) threw a festive gathering in front of my office to celebrate the new overpass that has been under construction on the other side of the wall at my office for the last year. They call it the “West Approach” because it is the west approach to the San Francisco Bay Bridge. The Governator showed up, but nobody actually saw him. He pulled up in an SUV on the overpass, out of site of the party, and gave a speech the was telecast to people standing on the ground about 200 feet away. Following the speech he drove away. It was completely surreal. Then, they served really awful (free) food including vegetarian baked beans that tasted like wet packing peanuts. Oh, and cupcakes. Sweet, delicious blue and orange cupcakes. Unfortunately the frosting melted instantly in the sun. Special thanks to my friend Angela and her iPhone for the photos.

As you may be able to see in this blurry photo I borrowed from the CNN website (and they apparently got it from the local KRON4 helicopter) the infamous Olympic Torch struggled to make its way through San Francisco today. While thousands of people on all sides of the China issue were gathered at the baseball stadium and the waterfront downtown (the official route), the Torch was being secretly run through several of the most unsuspecting parts of the city accompanied by the Bay Quackers Bus. What is this bus, you ask? It is a duck-themed amphibious tour bus for tourists. Thank God they upheld the dignity of the Olympics. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to cancel the whole thing before it even started?

You can check out my photos from the protests at flickr.

Kleenex for Men, the manliest product ever

So you need to blow your nose but you wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those “sissy” pink tissues that your sister and your girlfriend use. If you live in the United Kingdom, you are in luck. Kleenex makes “Kleenex for Men” just for you. I managed to find a fantastic review of this product titled Snot, Sweat and Sperm. Written by a man “found that they are best at absorbing three of my body fluids which I produce and discharge in large quantities on a regular basis,” this review clearly states the need for this product. Unfortunately, these are not available in the United States (as far as I can tell) so over here you’ll have to be satisfied with Kleenex Extra Large or maybe Kleenex Menthol. We don’t even get the same catchy tag line they have for Kleenex over in the UK: Blow it loud and blow it proud!

The closest marketing parallel I can think of in the United States is the recent push to market Coke Zero to men. Since men don’t want to feel emasculated by ordering a “diet” soft drink, Coke Zero calls itself “calorie free.” Those clever folks at Coke walk a fine semantic line, but it appears to be working- White Castle is rumored to be switching its soda fountains from Diet Coke to Coke Zero.

Something to amuse you on a Friday. This seems like common sense to me. Click “read more” for the full story from the San Francisco Chronicle.

read more | digg story

In a testament to just how ridiculous the ballot initiative process is in California, Proposition C on the San Francisco Ballot proposed to (somehow) obtain Alcatraz Island from the federal government and turn it into a “World Peace Center.” Sponsored by a bizarre fringe political party from nearby Marin County, this was a proposal for the City of San Francisco to buy Alcatraz from the National Park Service, tear down the historic prison and build some sort of monument on the scale of the Taj Mahal. While all the votes haven’t been counted, it looks like the proposition is going to fail by a margin of about three to one.

The extremely questionable part about this issue is the matter of how it arrived on the ballot in the first place. This group must have been able to get in the neighborhood of 10,000 signatures to qualify for the ballot measure… which means that 10,000 people in San Francisco must have thought it was worth the effort and expense to put this on the ballot.

I finally saw the otter exhibit at the Monterey Bay Aquarium on Saturday. Natasha and I went there for the afternoon, and I also had the pleasure of seeing the giant, filthy stuffed otter in the picture displayed above. It was in a store down the street, and it looks like it’s been getting a lot of lovin’ from the kids. The aquarium was fun, but pricey. At $24.95 for admission, I almost think they should let you take an otter home with you for a week or two. The penguin exhibit was closed too, which I could see being a big disappointment for some people (not that I wasn’t disappointed, but I was really there to see the otters).

They also had a baby White Shark on display for the third time. They have a White Shark research program that has been taking young sharks accidentally caught in fishing nets and keeping them in captivity before releasing them back into the ocean. It was a little unclear whether or not the shark was going to be on display because a staff member was overheard saying that the shark “didn’t get along” with one of the turtles, which I took to mean “ate the turtle,” since disagreements with Great White Sharks don’t using end with verbal altercations.

While on the subject of the Monterey Bay Aquarium, how about a shameless plug for an academic paper I wrote a few years ago on the subject of Aquariums? Available for the first time on the internet, my paper The Public Aquarium: Fish as the Other “Other” looks into the birth of the aquarium during the age of the great exhibitions, and how it has evolved to its present form (using Monterey Bay as a key example). Sorry if the formatting of the paper isn’t the greatest, I think I exported out of Word to an HTML file and never really cleaned it up enough. I did make sure all the images were working, if you manage to make it to the end.

Before going to a Superbowl party at my friend Matt’s house, I went to a laundromat in the Castro called “Sit and Spin” where everyone was engrossed in a dog show televised on Animal Planet. This was followed up by the “Puppy Bowl,” which is a contest between two teams of puppies on a miniature football field (You can watch the highlights on the Animal Planet website). They also had slutty kitten cheerleaders for the halftime show. These talented young cats certainly had more energy than Tom Petty did at the real halftime show…

Pretend it’s Aquarius Records on Castro Street this week.

A documentary about slain San Francisco politician Harvey Milk is being filmed in my neighborhood this week. As part of the preparation for filming, Castro Street is getting redone to look like the 1970s (at least the hipsters with bad mustaches and tight jeans don’t ruin the look). One office has been redone as a record store, Wells Fargo Bank is masquerading as a plant store and old posters are tacked up on an empty storefront. With all the 1970s cars that were parked outside the other day, I almost felt like I was in a bad neighborhood in Buffalo!

I haven’t seen Gus Van Sant around yet, or Sean Penn (he’s playing Harvey Milk). Matt Damon (unfortunately) backed out of a role in the film a few months ago.

Yet another animal escapes the San Francisco Zoo! Okay, it ALMOST escaped. As if the tiger attack wasn’t shocking enough, a leopard almost forced its way through a mesh wall and into a zookeeper area yesterday. You have to wonder why it’s the dangerous animals who keep trying to escape. It doesn’t seem like it would be that bad if a kangaroo, zebra or koala got out.