Markasaurus was economically stimulated by George W. Bush this afternoon

So you finally got your economic stimulus check. I received mine this afternoon. Thanks to a very high social security number, I was one of the last people in the US to get “paid.” I’ve been looking forward to it for months, mostly so I could write this post. This was even more exciting than the last time our illustrious president attempted to bribe the American public, way back in 2001:

So now that you have your payment, what are you going to do with it? If you aren’t going to either buy groceries, gas or pay off (some) of you debt, what would be a good way to spend it? I’ve come up with a few ways you could spend it and not give in to the idea that handing out $600 checks will significantly revive our economy:

• Ride your bike or walk to Canada or Mexico or spend it on booze and strippers. Make sure to cash your check before leaving home. If you drive, you’ll get stuck paying for gas and tolls.
• Cash the check and buy something used on Craigslist. Make sure you don’t pay taxes.
• Frame the check as a keepsake. This (obviously) is not as fun as the first two.

What’s the best thing you could really do with your check? Invest it. In ten years you’ll have $1,420 if you get a 9% rate of return in the stock market. Or you’ll have over $3,300 if you keep it in the market for 20 years. Better yet, take it Reno and you can double your money in five minutes.

My Bratz Balloon is on the floor

You know your birthday is finally over when the Bratz balloon your friend gave you finally sinks to the floor. This happened over the weekend, during the tail end of the Great Heat Wave of ‘08 (please do not confuse this with “Death Storm ‘08″). My balloon, which just a few short weeks ago adorned a piece of tasty carrot cake, now rests on the floor.

Andy told me that this present was the key to everlasting life when he gave it to me. I have to admit, it lasted a very long time for a helium balloon. Now I can take the rest of the air out and hang the picture of the “Bratz” up on my wall! Or maybe not…

And now, some sad news about Markasaurus.com. A spammer hacked my header file and put many unsavory search terms at the beginning of my blog. It was hidden to the casual user, but it showed up in search results, and Markasaurus.com got booted off the search rankings on Google! What a travesty! Some spammer is preventing people from finding an important source of breaking news, all to sell a few bottles of counterfeit erectile dysfunction medicine. I corrected the issue and the site should show up in search results again soon. How would people have known not to lock their pets and babies in their cars during the heat wave if it weren’t for Markasaurus? This site saves lives!

Okay, I admit I’m posting this a bit late. I have been really busy and we actually had some hot weather for the first time in about a year last weekend, so I haven’t been blogging. Last week, Caltrans (the California department of transportation) threw a festive gathering in front of my office to celebrate the new overpass that has been under construction on the other side of the wall at my office for the last year. They call it the “West Approach” because it is the west approach to the San Francisco Bay Bridge. The Governator showed up, but nobody actually saw him. He pulled up in an SUV on the overpass, out of site of the party, and gave a speech the was telecast to people standing on the ground about 200 feet away. Following the speech he drove away. It was completely surreal. Then, they served really awful (free) food including vegetarian baked beans that tasted like wet packing peanuts. Oh, and cupcakes. Sweet, delicious blue and orange cupcakes. Unfortunately the frosting melted instantly in the sun. Special thanks to my friend Angela and her iPhone for the photos.

As you may be able to see in this blurry photo I borrowed from the CNN website (and they apparently got it from the local KRON4 helicopter) the infamous Olympic Torch struggled to make its way through San Francisco today. While thousands of people on all sides of the China issue were gathered at the baseball stadium and the waterfront downtown (the official route), the Torch was being secretly run through several of the most unsuspecting parts of the city accompanied by the Bay Quackers Bus. What is this bus, you ask? It is a duck-themed amphibious tour bus for tourists. Thank God they upheld the dignity of the Olympics. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to cancel the whole thing before it even started?

You can check out my photos from the protests at flickr.

A while back, I wrote a post with some advice on how to feed medicine to your cat. I now have realized that if your cat is determined not to take the pill, it isn’t going to happen. Javier is on steroids (long story) and he’s decided that he is not going to let us feed him medicine any more. No amount of water or rubbing his throat is going to change that.

Now, on the cell phone saga. My Samsung phone from T-Mobile is on its last legs. The screen was damaged a while back and there is this black nothingness spreading across it. I can barely read the phone number I am about to dial, and I get the feeling that one of these days it isn’t going to work at all. It lost its charge today, so I panicked and decided that I had to get a new phone. The problem is that I don’t want to renew my contract, so I don’t want to get my phone at the T-Mobile store. T-Mobile blows (to put it mildly), and there is no way in Hell I am signing another contract with them.

I went on Craigslist, my favorite place to shop for things, and found a place in the Mission District of San Francisco that claimed to be selling inexpensive used cell phones. It is on Mission St., which is the sort of busy city thoroughfare where you can buy Ecstasy or crack at two in the afternoon, shop at a dollar store, catch a bus, buy cheap socks, get really good tacos, enjoy a drink, and purchase a neon Last Supper themed wall clock. It is also really filthy and there are tons of pigeons. Oh, and I used to live there. Anyway, I called the cell phone guy and he said he had some used phones. He also said that when I get there I should either call and let him know I’m there (duh, no cell phone!) or “knock on the window.”

I took the BART train over to the neighborhood and walked two blocks to the store. Actually, I walked past the store and then turned around and realized that it looked like it had gone out of business. There is plywood over the door and the metal security gate was closed. I knocked (hard) on the window three or four times a face appeared as the curtain at the back of the display window parted. The owner let me in to a small, dark space with leather jackets (all for sale) hanging up the height of the left wall and glass cases under the counter filled with cell phones in the middle of the store. There was also a work bench covered in electronic gear and a number of computers.

All of the phones were heavily used and most had minimal features and sold for $40-$60. I asked why I wouldn’t just go on ebay or craigslist or buy a phone there that was newer and probably cost less. He said I should buy from him because it was a reputable store. Plus, he doesn’t charge sales tax.

I told him I’d have to think about it.

I was walking home tonight and noticed a man and woman in a white Mazda Miata who had been pulled over by a motorcycle cop either for speeding or running a red light. They appeared to be on a date, possibly even a first date. All I could think of was “wow, I can’t imagine which is more embarrassing: being pulled over by a cop on a date, or having to pick up a date in a Miata.”

What do you think about Miatas? Yay or nay?

Image courtesy kelnishi.com

I really don’t get the new hipster fascination with shitty old mopeds. I can see where many of them, especially aging hipsters no longer able to ride up San Francisco’s steep hills on fixies, needed to find another method of transportation. But a 1970s 2-stroke moped that burns oil and is probably more polluting than a Hummer? I’m not sure what exactly is cool about these vehicles, but then again I’m not sure what is cool about not washing your hair or wearing skin-tight tapered jeans that don’t fit in any sense of the word “fit”.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting the Going out of Business sale at the Drug Barn in Colma. Much of the remaining stock has been there a very long time, but a few lucky shoppers are still stocking up on off-brand cherry flavored vodka and religious candles. My favorite remaining item had to be this stuffed dolphin, left over from Valentine’s Day (in 1982, most likely):

My hosting company screwed up and at least one post got deleted, so I am going to repost this classy photo of the first apartment I lived in when I was in Brooklyn:

I lived in Bedford-Styvesant across the street from the Lafayette Gardens housing project, better known as “The LG”. Lil’ Kim’s ex-boyfriend as since been indicted for running a gang out of The LG that processed cocaine in several apartments that they took over in the complex. They also (allegedly) killed a number of people, including one guy in the lobby of the housing project.

In other news, I was at 24 Hour Fitness today and there was a slightly stout middle-aged man with a beard singing along with James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” at a moderate volume while he was working out. It was appalling enough that the gym was playing that song in the first place, but to sing along in pubic is just incredible. I finished working out after that and walked into the locker room to see a man totally naked and damp (presumably from the shower) standing in front of the television watching jeopardy, clearly in no hurry to get dressed.

Hi! You must really like the locker room, considering you’re hanging out here standing four feet away from me and staring without even changing your clothes. That’s a really shiny lock you just put on that empty locker as if you’re in the locker room for some legitimate purpose. As much as I would like to hang out here and stare back at you, I need to go work out since I’m only taking an hour lunch break. Plus, I think you should spend some time grooming that mustache to see if you can make it look even creepier.

I went to 24 Hour Fitness on my lunch break today. The gym was nearly empty, but the locker room was really crowded.

Overheard:

“That movie is like Moulin Rouge on acid! Watch it with your girl and lock lips then you can take it from there…”